Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Just Because

These are supposedly questions to determine if someone has a codependent personality.  Amy left a comment that I allowed to go through stating that I'm codependent and my life will continue to be crazy until I fix myself.  I am looking at a chicken that was let in and roosting on the back of the couch while my children are eating cheese chunks and my husband is taking a nap and I am thinking to myself "How will 'fixing myself' keep the chicken outside?"  My life, by nature (or because of nature) is chaotic on a daily basis.  But it is a good chaotic.  The goats wander in the house.  The horse sticks her head in the door.  The children cut up blocks of cheese (using a butter knife) to take outside for a picnic leaving behind cheese crumbs on the floor.  I'll call after them to clean up their mess and they will.  And they will leave behind a bigger mess having cleaned that one up.  Does any of that make me codependent or is it just part of being a mother?

Anyway, I decided to answer these questions found on some on-line quiz.  I am sure some people will look at the answer and say "She's codependent!"  Others will look at the quiz and say "She's not codependent, but she's still nuts."  Either way, I don't care.  But I did find some of the questions amusing.  Others of them, with the way they are worded, every dedicated medical professional, fire fighter, EMT, First Responder, and police officer would qualify as codependent.

Do you have a hard time saying no to others, even when you are very busy, financially broke, or completely exhausted?
No.  Actually, I say "NO" quite a bit.  If someone is in need and I am incapable of helping them (emotionally, financially, time, beyond my abilities) I send them to someone else who is better able to help. 

Are you always sacrificing your own needs for everyone else?
Always?  No.  Sometimes, yes.  Who doesn't?  It's part of being a wife and a mother.  I sacrifice sleep when a child is sick.  I sacrifice "me time" when it seems like Husband has been feeling neglected.  By the same token, when I am not getting enough "me time" I go hide somewhere with a book for a bit.

Do you feel more worthy as a human being because you have taken on a helping role?
Worthy?  No.  

If you stopped helping your friends, would you feel guilty or worthless?
Hasn't happened yet.  And is it a real friendship if it is one way?  Someone always taking and not giving?  When friends need help, I help them.  When I need help, I have friends that help me. 

Would you know how to be in a friendship that doesn't revolve around you being the “helper”?
Hmm....  I don't know.  Mandie, do I know how to be in a friendship that doesn't revolve around me being the "helper?"  Granted I live several hundred miles away and we still talk and you still smack me upside the head when I need it.  Do I know how to be in a friendship that doesn't require me being the helper all the time? 

If your friends eventually didn't need your help, would you still be friends with them? Or would you look around for someone else to help?  Again, I will turn to Mandie since she is my best friend and I saw a baby come out of her.  I've helped her when she's needed it.  She's helped me when I needed it.  I've smacked her upside the head.  She's smacked me upside the head.  We've known each other for a few years now.  We're still friends.  (And yes, I have other friends.  But she's my best friend so I am allowed to use her.)

Do you feel resentful when others are not grateful enough to you for your efforts at rescuing them or fixing their lives?  No.  My resentment comes from being lied to.  That is where I take issue with people.

Do you sometimes feel like more of a social worker than a friend in your relationships?  No.

Do you feel uncomfortable receiving help from other people? Is the role of helping others a much more natural role for you to play in your relationships?  I don't like asking for help, but that does not mean I won't accept help when needed.  But I don't know too many people who like asking for help.

Does it seem as if many of your friends have particularly chaotic lives, with one crisis after another?  No.  I have friends who have lives.  Life is chaotic at times.  But crisis?  No.

Did you grow up in a family that had a lot of emotional chaos or addiction problems?  Yes.  However, I refuse (and get annoyed with people who do) use a bad childhood to excuse poor adult behavior.

Are many of your friends addicts, or do they have serious emotional and social problems?  No.  Not unless you count autism as a social problem.  I have a couple of friends who are mildly autistic.  That is not a problem.  Just as long as I remember for them when it comes to very important stuff and "delivering information" I give it and let it go so it can be processed and then discussed a few days later.

As you were growing up, did you think it was up to you to keep the family functioning?  No.
As an adult, is it important for you to be thought of as the “dependable one”?  This is laughable.  I am the "absent-minded" one.  If I say I am going to do something, I'll do it.  But you have to call and remind me because I will have slept at some point between the promise and the time for me to deliver.

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