Monday, June 7, 2010

They're Leaving

I am hurt and disappointed. The people who came with us are not what we thought they were. They are leaving of their own accord. We never asked or told them to leave, but I am glad they are going. And sad. A lot of promises have been broken and a lot of lies have been told. Each one “small” but even small are big and when they pile on each other, it becomes exhausting and frustrating. Things had gotten so bad that I was getting yelled at for everything that came out of my mouth and everything I said was suspect.
Changing up the dishes schedule to throw Bethany into the rotation so that each child had dishes two days a week instead of three was suspect because it meant Ben was doing dishes the day after they came back. (They have spent almost as much time in Indiana as they have here and are planning on going to Disney World in a few days, but that is a whole nother story.)
The other day, the boys were shooting bb guns. Charlie had walked into the shooting range area and Ben continued shooting. I grabbed Ben’s gun, handed it to Ken so he could take care of his son. I was getting ready to turn around and go back and grab Charlie and take care of him. (He was going to get a spanking for doing something foolish and dangerous as well as lose his gun for a week.) Ben completely and totally lost it and for hours, he cried and screamed and carried on. Charlie got the exact same punishment (because of the carrying on, he never got his spanking) and he was fine. He understood what he did was reckless even though it did not violate the four rules of handling firearms.
Apparently, yesterday Ben brought up the gun thing again. I had no idea. I am cleaning tables and keeping the girls close. I am tuned into my children. I hear their voice. I heard Charlie ask his father if he could shoot his bb gun. (BTW, he has lost ALL guns. So no air gun as well as no bb gun.) I heard this and was highly annoyed. I called him over to me and chewed him out. I told him he lost it for a week. He knows how long a week is. I laid into him for trying to go behind my back to a different parent. That does not go over well in our house. One parent says no or takes away a privilege, you don’t go to the other. (He now lost his shooting rights for two weeks.) Apparently, this interaction caused Ken to stand up from the three way conversation that Ken, Tina, and George were having and say “Good-bye.” Also, apparently, he looked at me parenting my child as some personal slam against Ben.
Then, last night, Hannah comes down with a log. She is dragging it behind her not holding it in her injured hand. I told her that while I like the fact that she wants to help, I don’t want her carrying firewood until her wrist is healed. I decided to keep her with me. I turn around from cooking and she has disappeared. I find her up where firewood is being cut and gathered. I holler out to be heard above the generator (why it was running, I have no idea) to please not let Hannah gather firewood. I get yelled at. Ken yells at me for watching out for my child. If she was just up there watching and had not already come down with firewood, I would have left it alone and not worried about it. But she had so I did.
Husband has had no cell phone for two months or more. Ken and Tina had Sprint. Sprint does not have service here. The idea for them having the phone was to keep in contact with their families and they would pay half the phone bill. Not one penny for the phones.
I knew we were going to carry the bulk of the finaces for this endeavor. But they were supposed to put money towards gas and groceries. Nope. If anything, not only have we been feeding them, but they have used my van (with my permission since they had one excuse after another to not use their vehicles) and we have given them money for gas for their tools. They have an income. It is a very small income, but still an income. 100% of our income plus 100% of us have gone into this. The same can not be said for them.
I could go on with example after example after example, but it won’t do any good. I have had a long few days with one crisis after another with my children and I am being asked where the menu and shopping list is. Excuse me, but you are an adult. There is the kitchen. Make a menu based on what we have and do a shopping list for missing ingredients. Apparently, me not doing the list, menu, and shopping over the past couple of days means we are not holding up our end of the bargain by not feeding them. WHAT? No. First of all, no meals have been missed. Second of all, there is plenty of food. I finally sat down, made up a menu for the week and wrote out a shopping list in less than 15 minutes and there were five things listed to buy. We have everything else here for the meals.
I knew there were issues. I just didn’t know how bad they were and quite frankly I am not going to hand hold and coddle grown-ups while waiting for them to grow up. Asking me while I am trying to do laundry (their laundry included by the way) if I think a pan should continue to soak or get washed…. Huh? What pan? She was asking about the pan the bacon was cooked in. Bacon is grease. Soap, water, sponge. I’m baffled as to why a grown woman is asking me about dishes. Apparently my baffled tone of voice is considered yelling and I can’t be bothered with Tina. No. It’s not that I can’t be bothered with Tina. It’s that I can’t be bothered with a grown woman acting like a 12 year old on a daily basis. She is capable of more. She is capable of acting like an adult. She can do so much more, but she chooses not to. I’ve seen it there. That is why I get frustrated. If I didn’t think she wasn’t capable, I might have more patience. But choosing not to is what gets me.
We are currently on our way to the VA. I don’t know if they will be there when we get back. I know I may sound bitter, but I’m not. I am hurt, frustrated, and disappointed that this did not work out. That I allowed excitement block out the apprehension I was feeling in the beginning. That I am not a strong enough person to take on the multitude of serious issues that this family has. Most of all, I am sad for Ben. He is going back to the very same environment that led to him being the way he is now.
The way I put it to Bethany because she was crying on me yesterday over them leaving is that we still love them. We still care about them. We just can not live together. I am hoping after the dust settles that we can remain friends. In the mean time, we will continue to pray for them.


Anonymous said...

You posted:
(He was going to get a spanking for doing something foolish and dangerous as well as lose his gun for a week.)

How would hitting him teach him anything? Perhaps more supervision including keeping firearms away from children would be a better choice.
I was under the impression you were involved and respected LLL?

From La Leche League

•From infancy on, children need loving guidance which reflects acceptance of their capabilities and sensitivity to their feelings.

Hitting your child is hardly loving guidance.

Regarding the rest of your post.. poor form. Laying out ALL your personal dirty laundry is poor form.

Mrs. Hoppes said...

As for my involvement with LLL, read my disclaimer. As for firearms, they are a necessary part of our life not to mention the 2 ammendment gives us that right.

For the rest of it, my blog, my feelings, my life, my choice. This is the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Anonymous said...

Your disclaimer is great and grand.However, if you claim to believe in something like LLL and the way they suggest to parent, hitting is not part of it, period.
You can not have it both ways. Life does not work like that.
Firearms, I completely agree you have the right to have firearms. The issue is not about the right to own or use them. It is about PARENTING and keeping your children SAFE! Allowing children to have FREE access to firearms is just asking for something terrible horrible to happen.
I would think childrens services would not be all that happy with the idea of a minor with free access to firearms and children who are being burned, and hit.
Clean up your life. Take a long hard look at the choices you are making. Keep your children safe and educate them for Gods sake.

wantstolivefree said...


I am new to your blog. I was wondering if you could post pictures of your home? I would love to see how you live, what arrangements you have made. I would like to show my DH that it can be done!
PS it is sad you had a falling out with your friends

Charlotte said...

Correct the kids now or visit them in a correctional facility in the future. As long as you don't beat them, a little spanking never kiled anyone. I'm living proof

Lisa A. Goff, writer, stained glass, homeschooler said...


Anonymous said...

Living proof of what, Charlotte? That people who were spanked and don't have a sense of introspection perpetuate violence? Apparently.

Charlotte said...

Have you met Kim and her family? I know them. They are lovely people with wonderful children. My children are grown with children of their own. They are healthy, happy, productive citizens of this country. They are not in prison and in fact have never been in trouble with the law of any kind. No drugs, no stealing, no drinking, etc... They love their families, work and take care of life as they need too. I guess, like Kim, I have done a horrible job raising them. Maybe I should apologize to them for being such a bad mother. I might when they come to see their father and I at least 3-4 times a week. By the way, if you are brave enough to make such horrid comments maybe you should be brave enough to leave your name as well. It is easy to hide behind annonymous.

Amy said...

I agree with Charlotte.

It is easy for cowards to hide being anonymous. I wonder if you would be so bold and outspoken if everyone could see your real name and identity. I doubt it.

I personally think you are just mouthing and don't know a hill of beans about just like to stir the pot. I don't believe you have any credientials to be quoting LLL or any thing else for that matter.

If I am wrong, feel free to share your credientials and your name. Otherwise, you really should find some better use of your time than stalking a blog that you obviously don't agree with. Knowing Miss Kim, nothing you say will change the way she posts on HER blog. And if you don't like it, don't read it. Simple.

Amytheyarnfiend said...

Amy and Charlotte, BRAVO! We don't spank in this house because it's not a method that works for us, but I was spanked as a child by a loving, wonderful woman who I trust to care for my children (who aren't spanked). There are many ways to parent and there is a profound difference between spanking and HITTING a child. To anonymous, for corn's sakes man up or shut it.

Katy said...

Wow Anon....what planet are you from? Do you serously have nothing better to do then to follow someone you obviously know nothing about? Have you ever heard the phrase, Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child???? Here's a's in the Bible. You must be the same one that questioned how they shower and potty and such....#1 is it really any of your business? #2 Why do you care, is your life really that boring? (if so I feel sorry for you, get a job or take up a productive hobby)'s a better thought...if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all. I'm sure that your parents must have forgotten to tell you that growing up, they probably didn't spank you or obviously give you enough love for you to be such a miserable person. If you don't like what Kim and her family are doing why don't you go and bother the person who is living under a bridge smoking crack with her children running around dirty, I'm sure that you could help them a lot more than this family. Your antics are pathetic as are your questions, comments and lack of security to post as a anon. Grow up, get a life and move on!

Amber said...

I'm new to the blog... were you spanking another parent's child? I'm confused.

Michelle in Illinois said...

Kim, there will always be people who disagree with how you are doing things or who don't understand where you are coming from etc. Don't let them get you down. I've always admired your strength to do what you felt was best, even if it wasn't the easiest or most conventional. In some ways I've felt inadequate next to you because you have the guts to at least TRY these things, to live your faith as much as you can, to be different and not afraid of what people will say or think. You are an inspiration to me.

Mrs. Hoppes said...

Amber - No child was spanked. I had THREATENED to spank MY child. But there was no actual spanking.

Michelle - You've just made me cry. I miss you I hope we can get together when I get back to Indiana.

Anonymous said...

Anon makes me twitch. What a preachy piece of work!

If you don't like what you're seeing, do us all a favor and sod off. Kim is one of the most loving, thoughtful and attentive moms I know. Personally.